Broken-hearted Old News
I went through some of my old blogs that I’ve always kept private. I’m scrapping most of it, but here are some things I want to keep. These things remind me of a what was going on in my head around 4 or 5 years ago. Not exactly things I’d like to remember, but the words I had back then still seem to have some affect for me. These posts were originally published between February and August of 2004.
I’m praying to begin again, but fear is setting in.
Every moment of the past haunts me now.
I cannot stop these thoughts from hovering.
What will this become, but nothing?
Calm my nerves and wait for bliss.
DO I so deserve it?
- I never actually posted that. I think I know what/who it was about. Not really sure though.
Feeling flees her soul as she searches for sleep in the misery brought by her past,
And she wishes on stars that no longer burn, so desire stops turning.
This can’t be real, words on this page, rambling on, hiding behind shadows darkened.
Night falls in her mind, and her heart too, has lost the light, but flames are rising in her head.
Dreams await only to wake, and die before she steps out of bed.
- Pretty sure that was a product of insomnia.
Things and people come and go. I don’t think anything is forever, but maybe, agony. Pain never goes away. It gets covered in warmth with blankets of happiness, but it always lingers and chills the bones.
- I still stand by this statement.
Rush me. Wake me. Sleep me. Make me. Stop me. Love me. Hate me. Take me. Pour me. Poor me. Rise me. Shine me. Fake me. Stake me. Pass me. Hold me. Kiss me. Leave me. Believe me. Spin me. Throw me. Catch me. Push me. Follow me. Grace me. Feel me. Wish me. Miss me. Grip me. Grope me. Tell me. Whisper me. Wink me. Touch me. Please me. Form me. Fit me. Find me. Remind me. Rewind me. Raise me. Praise me. Keep me. Need me. See me. Hear me. Taste me. Cry me. Scream me. Release me. Me…me…me…
-Perhaps another product of insomnia???
Bat your eyelashes, and flash your grin.
Spin this web of charm in deceit.
Nothing’s real, not for me.
My mind is numb with screams.
Do I hate, or am I hurt?
I made this place for my own palace of pain.
My kingdom conquered by my own crown.
Disgust is rampant within these walls.
I sit and wonder how I ever loved you.
Love you? I did. With all I had.
- A sore spot. For a long time. Someone else fills that space now. I’m just not angry this time though.
***For Amanda and Will***
Light and shadow grace this place.
Brighten this face with love and devotion.
Water makes waves in the hearts ocean.
It is salted with tears from hurricanes of chaotic fear.
Void this space cold and empty.
Rush in winds to tear at concrete and stone.
Find your way in the rubbled aftermath.
Open your eyes and fight to get home.
- A girl I was friends with was dating a guy in Iraq. She was constantly terrified he wouldn’t make it home. I don’t know if he ever did. She and I are no longer friends.
Her blood falls silently like drops of rain.
Her body is drained, but it somehow eases the pain.
Her eyes shine with strength on the weakest of days.
Her heart spills the anger and rage thought to shackle her to this cage.
She runs into her own walls, built up to block out despair.
She stops to breathe the freshest air.
She still loves silently with the fear of losing sight of that sky filled with dark clouds, but blue sky.
She sails her ship down the river to oceans of red where the rains of her heart first bled.
- Not sure what to say here.
There is something on mind.
Whatever it may be, I cannot seem to find.
My point of release is growing weak.
I have these words, yet I can’t speak.
God only knows what is happening to me.
I have the freedom that I sought.
Now I’m bored, for it is not so free.
I feel trapped in my own liberty.
- I still feel just like this.Don’t suffocate me.
Help me flee, fly free.
Help me breathe, find what I seek.
Smile down on me from death.
I see the rest and it’s
all clouded with dramatic interventions
of the best and worst kind,
but we all hide so eyes don’t cry
while life passes by.
- This was originally published in October 2006. It was the only post from August 2004 until October 2006. I’m pretty sure it had something to do with my impending 1st year of kicking the coke habit.
Getting Old(er) And Working To Stay Young
I’ve been 28 for just over a month now, and I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am now versus who I was at 18. Ten years ago I was a senior in high school. I was on a fast track to getting to college, becoming an elementary school teacher, getting married, having babies and living what I thought then would be happily ever after. I had a strict exercise routine, mostly thanks to the boyfriend I had planned to marry constantly telling me my size 4 ass was getting fat. A year later I started college and I grew this unknown strength. It was the strength to tell the boyfriend to fuck off. His current wife is a sack of skin and twigs, while my size 4 ass is currently a size 14.
Some might think that this gave me some sort of complex, and to some extent that is true. At the same time though, I learned very quickly to like myself. I realized that there are millions of people out there who really hate themselves, and the longer I stayed with him, the longer I heard his “Are you really gonna eat that?”, “You’re buying a size 5?!”, “Your ass looks bigger than last week…”, the longer I was going to hate myself. There were dozens of other things he regularly said to me that add up to pretty severe emotional abuse, but those things aren’t the point here.
After the relationship ended I went fairly crazy. I lost sight of everything I ever thought I wanted. I also lost the ambition and ability to get up at 5 in the morning and run 2 miles every day. I quickly fell madly in love with a little thing I call booze. You can see how a size 4 becomes a size 14. I’m surprised it took me 10 years to do it. Ten years is a long time, but it also feels like yesterday. I have been pretty dedicated to slacking off and drinking rather than working out, but I feel that changing. I’ve been so mad at myself so many times for startig to pick up a constant work out routine and then dropping it. I don’t care what number is on the tag in my jeans, or whether or not I can pull off a backless dress. I never really have been into that sort of issue.
What is becoming really important to me is my health. I’m certainly not getting any younger. I’ve been lucky enough that my perky tits have escaped gravity, and although smoking is one of my very favorite things, I manage to keep breathing. While I won’t give up my precious Camel No. 9′s, I will get my ass back into gear. I succeded at working out twice on Monday. My Core Exercise Ball and a little Yoga routine is fairly simple to keep up with. I planned on doing the same again yesterday. Complete failure. I woke up late, got to work late, got home late, and failed to do anything after dinner. Today, again, I overslept, so no morning workout.
I’m not going to get any younger, but I can keep working to feel young. After I post this little blog, I have a date with the aforementioned Core Exercise Ball. On another high note, I’ll be walking my ass at the park after work every Tuesday and Thursday starting tomorrow. Thanks to my friend and coworker, Heather, for the motivation there.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to my date…
A Boring to Everyone But Me Work Blog
This is the first full work week of the year. It is only Tuesday and it is already insanely busy.
I’ve managed to get a lot of revisions done on a template at work. When I suggested I take on this project I thought it would be simple and swift. Wrong. Oh so wrong. In my home life I have things scattered about everywhere. Work is different. I walk into the office and I suddenly have a severe case of OCD. I started the revisions last Friday, because unlike the rest of the world, I was at work on January 2. As of the end of business today I was still at it, and there is more to do on that tomorrow.
This all sounds very boring, and to a great extent it is, but I’m proud of it. With everything I have added and changed and deleted over these last 2 1/2 work days, I think we can do better. My department is on it’s way to becoming a very well oiled machine.
With the economy the way it is right now, we are going to see some significant drops in business. The better we can estimate and more effectively quote a job is going to ensure our livelihood over the next year. All of this matters, so I hope these changes have a positive effect on our ability to be more consistent, and accurate in our bidding processes. I suppose we’ll see how it all turns out over the next few months.
I suppose I’ll post a blog later on to explain what it is I actually do…
January 1, 2009
Originally uploaded by CandacitaBonita
I’m running behind on posting this blog. I am also running behind on everything else, so I’ll need to try to keep it short, which will probably prove to be an impossible task.
The year started well. Drunk, but well. I wish that all of the friends could have been together, but it just didn’t work out. Those of us that did manage to get together had a good time though. You can view further evidence of that by checking out the other photos on flickr.
Although it took me 2 days to recover from New Year’s Eve, I managed to have a really good first weekend of the year. Lots of fun with friends old and new. More on all of that later. Until then, again, all incriminating evidence can be found on flickr.
A Blog Post for Jason Bohac
My coworker thinks he is funny. He doesn’t have his own blog where he could share his odd sense of humor with the world wide web, he mentioned me possibly posting this little story for him. For the life of me, I am actually doing it. I cannot be held responsible for any grammatical or spelling errors, as the following was written by Jason Bohac.
It was December 3, 2008, a Wednesday and we were coming in from lunch. Tom, one of my co-workers, was walking directly in front of me as we entered our area of the office. The whole office was filled with a strange aroma, smelled like Hungry Man Salisbury Steak diner, heavy on the gravy.
Tom reacted as anyone would walking into the pungent odor of cheap TV dinners and asked, “What is that smell?”
At that moment I reacted, purely on instinct. Deep in my subconscious I must have known the time was now, my moment of greatness was upon me, and that I must seize the opportunity, carpe diem style. Upon hearing Tom I responded, “Yeah…it smells kind of like updog in here.” It was a perfect set up, and I knew all my training had paid off.
Tom paused, and with a puzzled look said, “Hotdogs?”
Fearing he may be on to my joke I quickly and casually replied, “No Tom, updog.” I said it as if it was something totally natural, as a seasoned professional as myself would do.
Again, Tom not fully understanding what I was saying asked, “hotdogs?”
And yet again, I casually responded, “Not hotdogs, updog.”
By this time two other co-workers Don and Hector had picked up what I was putting down, and a hush had fallen over the office. Don and Hector both had stopped what they were doing and not wanting to move for fear of ruining the moment, just sat there, still as night, waiting, hoping, praying.
Tom, still unaware of what was about to occur, finally was able to understand what I had said, and innocently asked, “What is ‘updog’?”
My time had come and this was it, I responded with a smirk on my face, “Nothing, what’s up with you dog?”
There was no time for Tom to react, he knew what had just happened, and in an instant Don and Hector was yelling, cheering me on. High fives were everywhere! I’m not totally sure but I think I remember hearing music playing as balloons and confetti dropped from the ceiling and Don and Hector hoisted me onto their shoulders for a victory lap.
Yes my friends that’s right, on December 3rd 2008 at approximately 12:07pm, Jason Bohac PERFECTLY executed the “Updog” joke”.
This day will live in infamy!
Jason can be found here: https://twitter.com/thegreatbohac
Barack Obama
My manager gave me this lovely card for Christmas. I am the ONLY openly liberal person in our office, so I get jokes all the time. I have a good sense of humor and it takes a pretty hard hit to offend me. More times than not, I am the one offending. In any case…
New Year’s Eve 2008
Thank you, RJ Reynold’s, for mailing me this fabulous document. It comes just in time for tonight’s drunken debauchery. All others: I suggest you have your friends and enemies fill one of these out.
Considering 2008
The year’s end is upon us. I find myself trying to figure out what has occurred in this last year that has changed me. I feel as though I should be able to write some lovely little list of the year in review, but nothing positive comes to mind at the moment. I have a very negative thing on my mind. The one thing that I can only hope WILL change me. I need to gather these thoughts and revisit this blog. If I am going to seriously review 2008, I should consider family, friendships, my career, men, health, happiness, depression. All of it. This will require pen, paper and a park.
